February 17th, 2008 - By kbx81

BIG thank you to laura and andrew for hanging with me tonight…and to lee for the texts…i needed it. i spent all day floating away in a very unsafe manner. it was…bad…for at least a lil’ while, although i worked some things out in my head, so some (minimal) good came of it. speaking of lee, i think it’s safe to say that he has become a new friend recently (albeit somewhat unexpectedly). i’m really happy/excited when i make new friends. that doesn’t happen very often anymore so it feels pretty great when it does.

i think part of my problem is that i can get so focused so quickly on one thing that i forget about reality…almost entirely. i forget about what is going on around me and how people around me are feeling. i start to forget about my actions and how they’re affecting my environment. the outcome is usually at least partially bad, especially when people are involved.

example: the last couple of weeks i’ve been very focused on charlie’s show. all of my brain power was focused on that. that’s over now; i have nothing to focus that energy on, and it’s just hanging out there causing other problems for me again. i’ll figure out how to reallocate it, but for now i think about things that upset me. it’s almost like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from. someone needs to walk in and save me…save me, please? i think friends are going to be especially important over the next couple of weeks until i can (mostly) reassemble myself.

on the other hand, i feel better…for now. i’m still feeling worn down, but i think i’ve at least somewhat stabilized…for tonight. who knows what tomorrow will bring – besides work. i hope it’s a good monday. i don’t think i can (internally) handle a ton of shit flying at me right away tomorrow morning – although at least it would distract and refocus me for a while. we’ll see…

-kbx

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