kbx81

Hi. So as you have probably noticed, I haven’t updated in a loooong time. I have no explanation and I won’t attempt to create one. I guess I feel like there hasn’t been much to talk about or say. Life has been pretty alright. Work is going well and life outside of that is pretty decent as well. There is still something missing, however. Can you guess what it is?

I got my Mac Pro a few weeks ago, and it’s amazing. Best computer…EVER. I’d geek out about it here more, but I don’t want to give too much away. =] If you want to know more, ask me, haha.

OH, I’ve been doing a lot more light shows lately. Some times are busier than others, but overall I’ve been getting out there a lot more. AND I’m actually making money with it now, haha. It’s totally sweet. If you’re reading this and you haven’t seen what I do, you need to. I’ve been told repeatedly by a number of people that it’s totally sweet. When is a show? Well, watch my myspace and/or facebook - I try to keep everyone informed. =] I’ll give you one here, however: Cruciform Injection is playing at the Abbey Pub this coming Saturday (June 28th). It is going to be one of the more intense shows I’ve done; it’s going to be a really awesome night.

About a week ago I saw both Ladytron and MSI. Both were sweeeeet shows…and I know there are more coming up. Ah the life…

Hmmm… What else is there? I dunno. Deanna (aka PQ) did my hair again a couple weeks ago and it’s sweet. I need to get better at this hair thing though - I love how she does it but I need to pick up more or her wicked skillz so I can have it lookin’ sweet allllll the time. Someone else (hehe) is insisting I dye it black again - but this time, ALL of it. I still wanna do that, and, um, oh, I will. Boom. =]

That being said, I should get back to work. I’ll try to get back to more regular updates again, but no promises. For as predictable as my life is right now, you’d think I’d be better at it. But then again, I suck. =]

-kbx

June 24th, 2008 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    No Comments »    

I’ve been feeling better the last few days. I don’t care if you don’t care, I just thought I’d put that out there. I REALLY apologize if I’ve been a downer over the last couple weeks. I had (knowingly) positioned myself in a bad place emotionally and I’ve been working very hard to get over it. I’m still down in the back of my mind but in general I’m over it (for now) I think. I have little doubt that a similar situation will surface within the next few months and I’ll trudge through this all over AGAIN. Sorry for bitching but this is my place to bitch so I’ll do it if I feel like it. I do, however, want to thank my friends for all the support. I have the fucking coolest friends ever. No shit. You know who you are.

It has surfaced repeatedly before that nice guys finish last. Additional evidence has further reinforced this. It’s the story of my life it seems. I’ll spare you the mundane details; I think I’m going to stop being quite so nice to people in general…except when/where I absolutely need to be. I know I’ve said this before but I’m seriously going to follow through this time. All I need is a little change of attitude. That should do the trick nicely. I’ll provide an example here, now: I’m not offering anything anymore. You’ll need to ask…or even pry. I have plenty to offer and I fucking know it. If you want shit in this world you need to take it…and I haven’t been taking. But I can start taking by being a little less giving. Shhhhhhhh quiet, it makes sense in my mind here now. This life is like a big experiment to me…except that most of the time I feel like I’m surrounded by a bunch of zombies. They don’t react until I freak out; then they’re all over me–which is cool–but I think I need more attention than that. Shit. Maybe I’m becoming an attention whore. WTF? This doesn’t make much sense to me anymore. Whatever. Let’s just make an adjustment and see what happens this time. Anyway, I’m going to shut up before I dig myself in any deeper. So now, quiet…for a while…

Now you talk to me.

-kbx

March 3rd, 2008 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    1 Comment »    

BIG thank you to laura and andrew for hanging with me tonight…and to lee for the texts…i needed it. i spent all day floating away in a very unsafe manner. it was…bad…for at least a lil’ while, although i worked some things out in my head, so some (minimal) good came of it. speaking of lee, i think it’s safe to say that he has become a new friend recently (albeit somewhat unexpectedly). i’m really happy/excited when i make new friends. that doesn’t happen very often anymore so it feels pretty great when it does.

i think part of my problem is that i can get so focused so quickly on one thing that i forget about reality…almost entirely. i forget about what is going on around me and how people around me are feeling. i start to forget about my actions and how they’re affecting my environment. the outcome is usually at least partially bad, especially when people are involved.

example: the last couple of weeks i’ve been very focused on charlie’s show. all of my brain power was focused on that. that’s over now; i have nothing to focus that energy on, and it’s just hanging out there causing other problems for me again. i’ll figure out how to reallocate it, but for now i think about things that upset me. it’s almost like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from. someone needs to walk in and save me…save me, please? i think friends are going to be especially important over the next couple of weeks until i can (mostly) reassemble myself.

on the other hand, i feel better…for now. i’m still feeling worn down, but i think i’ve at least somewhat stabilized…for tonight. who knows what tomorrow will bring - besides work. i hope it’s a good monday. i don’t think i can (internally) handle a ton of shit flying at me right away tomorrow morning - although at least it would distract and refocus me for a while. we’ll see…

-kbx

February 17th, 2008 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    No Comments »    

so i felt like it would be a good time to write a review of sorts about the show last night.

it was awesome. the first two bands (music hall, pawners’ society) were pretty mellow and consequently when charlie got up there the shift in style was pretty dramatic. i really like his new album and hearing it played that loud made me happy. my end of the show went perfectly as well and i was quite pleased with it as a result. overall i think it was a great experience. according to a report charlie got from the venue, there were over 150 people there for the show. that alone was pretty sweet. i really hope there will be a lot more shows to come!

the trouble is, now that it’s over, i’ve found myself in a weird place. you get used to the anxiety, the planning, etc. now it’s gone and i’m (somewhat unexpectedly) finding myself pretty whacked again…stuck in a weird place i guess. i want to talk about stuff but i can’t, generally because the people that want to know what’s up don’t want to hear what i have to say. i hate this state. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. ugh…why do i do this shit to myself? it’s very unfair and self-destructive. i wish things could be simple. i like it better that way…i like it so much better that way. i’m too good at driving people close to me nuts when i’m like this and it sucks because it usually ends up pissing people off. in fact, i started to do something tonight that was really bad but i caught myself and stopped, even though i think it was too late by then. but at least i tried. it makes me just want to leave and go some place where i don’t have to worry about what other people think about everything. or better yet, go where there is nobody. i do better on my own it seems; i’m more stable and sane. i think the funny part of all this is that i don’t even really know how it happens. it just does. and lately i’ve been putting more restraints on myself to keep it more locked in and less visible because of the effects. i don’t think that’s good either. before you know it, i’ll explode and die! hahahahaha!

often i really, really think that the people around me do NOT want me to enter any kind of a relationship with anyone. ever. friends and family alike. and i think i know why - and there isn’t just one reason, either.

this lighting stuff grounds me. i want to do more but it’s a bit exhausting. i like it a lot though. oh what to do?

i have to go to work tomorrow. i think i have a lot to do, so i’ll probably be there for a few hours. i hope i can find something to do afterwards that will cheer me up. it might happen. but really, there’s only one thing that can cheer me up. and until that happens, it looks like there will continue to be posts like this one. soz.

-kbx

February 17th, 2008 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life, Lights    2 Comments »    

i both love and hate nearly everything i do. there is no in-between.

it applies to many things on many different levels, and detail isn’t necessary here. i’m just tired of it. when things are gray, i want them black-and-white. when things are black-and-white, i want them gray. i am literally insane.

i do apologize for the lack of posts lately; i guess i’ve just been too busy and haven’t felt like writing anything. tonight i do, however, so here i am.

i’ve spent the last couple weeks planning and deploying entirely new infrastructure for work. the planning part seemed easy, and deploying it was pretty easy. i had planned it all well. the part that sucks is all of the little tweaks you have to keep doing to everything once you get the stuff up and working in the real world. you can do as much planning and testing as you want, but the real world is very different than a lab…in most cases. somehow i’ve managed to stay super calm at work this week despite being literally constantly hammered with requests for changes and adjustments…in addition to continuing to perform my regular responsibilities. it has been an extremely long week that’s gone by super fast. i just don’t know how else to describe it.

that aside, i’ve been up to very little. i got the new strobe lights i’d ordered a couple weeks ago and the ebay auction for the dataflashes is about to end. i now have bigger strobe lights that have the ability to change colors. w00t.

i did a show this past saturday night at the empty bottle and got lots of complements afterwards. apparently i’m really good at this lighting thing i do. i think that’s pretty exciting. maybe eventually i’ll get to move on to bigger, better things …who knows. anything can happen.

tonight i feel like i’m in the rut again. it really sucks. it’s probably not because i’m just tired, either. i’m just acting all silly like again. eh i’ll get over it i s’pose. i always do…and then i realize i’m right back where i started again. it’s oh-so-fun. can you taste the sarcasm yet?

i can’t bitch anymore so i’m going to go and fix this exchange server so we can sync mobile devices to it properly. oh so fun. at least it’s not a friday or saturday night.

i’m out. -kbx

January 23rd, 2008 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    No Comments »    

i suck for not updating for so long.

i want to document the last sally show, so i’ll do so here. i feel at least partially qualified to do so since i provided lighting for the show and worked with the bands fairly closely that night…so why not? that said…the evening began with me meeting up with charlie at his apartment in the city around four pm. i had a little trouble contacting him when i got there because he had been taking a bath. after waiting in my car outside his apartment for a few minutes and a couple phone calls and texts later, i went up to the door and rang the bell. he buzzed me in, and i went inside. we hung out for a short time, then we went over to the rehearsal space to pick up the equipment, where we also met up with mark. we slowly and quietly packed up; missy appeared a little while later, and we started loading things into the van. after a quick trip over to the empty bottle, we got everything unloaded and i began setting up the lights. arks arrived at about the same time and got set up as well. then we went next door to bite and had some food. they’re a bit slow to get food out, so we had plenty of time to sit and chat about past experiences and such. it was a nice time…a lot of memories were discussed. after a while, more of our friends arrived and joined us in the restaurant. after eating, we went back over to the bottle and listened to the first band, paper mice. it seemed like they just came and went…fun to listen to, short songs, good stuff. after that, it was sally’s turn. they played a great acoustic set, which included some of their (very) old stuff from the self-titled album. it wasn’t the same without a drummer, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. the very best part was their last song, raquetball. i will never forget this number. i, myself, had prepared pretty extensively for it, and it was everything i could have hoped for. it started quiet and slow, and built up slowly…then exploded with the sound that only sally can create…at least for me. i was able to do some spectacular things with the lights, and it matched the music perfectly all the way through. it was probably the most intense thing i’ve felt in a while…and it was damn amazing to say the least. i could go on and on and on…but there are only words here…and they can’t put together what we saw that night. but i will remember it forever. after sally finished, arks played, and they were quite enjoyable as well. i had just finished programming a light show for them, and that went exceptionally well also. overall, it was an amazing night for me. after the show, i got a lot of compliments on the lighting, which felt great. apparently the owner of the bottle was interested in what i did, as well as the guy who owns the label that arks is on (Julius - and it turns out i’ll be working with him in the future now too). anyway, we hung out at the bottle for a couple hours, mingled, and then went to the pick me up cafe. we sat there for quite a while, relaxed, and talked more. if you’ve never been there before, all you need to know is that it’s a great place to just chill. and with that…the night concluded. i’ll say in closing that it was one of the finest evenings i’ve had to just hang out with friends and enjoy great music in a very long time.

i think the most exciting part of the show that night was that i caught the attention of several people. i think that this will turn into a good thing…and hopefully sooner than later.

thanksgiving came and went. about the only thing i remember is that we had family over and there was turkey. lame i know, but that’s how it goes…

post-thanksgiving time has just flown by. work has been excessively busy, much to my disliking. last week especially was very hectic. thursday night i did another light show for arks at the darkroom, which went very well. friday night robot and i filmed a music video for a new track he’s working on (for his upcoming album). saturday was the battle of the bands thing at hinsdale south…which i was sucked into by mike kellner and mike ross (it turned out to be fun). sunday was our company party. i am left feeling completely out-of-it and now i’m going to cut this short and go. all i can say is i am REALLY looking forward to the holiday break/week off of work.

-kbx

December 10th, 2007 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    No Comments »    

Things are a bit clearer now (with regard to what i said in my last post) and played out more or less as expected. sally, which is one of my favorite bands, has broken up. it makes me sad…but it could be worse.

i’ve been busy with a variety of things the past week or so and i feel like i’ve had very little time for hanging out and/or internet, computer, and lighting things. i am very, very much looking forward to the (last) sally show this coming monday and the extended weekend which will promptly follow. i will be lighting sally and the arks and it’s going to be wicked sweet. i know it’s a monday night, but if you can make it, you need to come. ’nuff said.

i don’t really have much else to write about right now, so i’m going to leave you with a question: what are you doing this weekend?

-kbx 

November 14th, 2007 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    1 Comment »    

i’m in a weird spot right now. in several regards. and in all cases i either don’t want to talk about it with anyone or i can’t talk about it with anyone. and there are a variety of reasons for that. what i need is time. time to sort everything out. the way i see it, none of it is a really big deal, but i won’t/can’t talk until it all settles down. it’s just…weird. everything happens when you least expect it. and not just for me.

i got these two new moving lights. they’re elation power spot 250s (for the technically inclined). they’re cooler than i thought they’d be, which makes me extremely happy. i’ll spare you the details here, but if you wanna know more, ask. either that or just come over and i’ll show you.

i spent most of this weekend programming the new lights into the stuff i have in the hog. i wanted even more time with it all; the weekend went way too fast. outside of programming, andrew and i went to berlin in the city on friday night…we stayed until about 3. andrew got drunk…and…yeah. i did what i do best, and that’s be a wallflower. i love to watch people in clubs. frankly, i think it’s generally hilarious. anyway, that was the climax of the weekend. saturday night, chris, andrew, allison, and i sat around my place. at about 12:30 we (minus allison) went to denny’s. then i stayed up until 5 doing more programming. sunday was a typical sunday (i did more programming then went to work). now i’m here chillin’ and typing this. then charlie called and we talked for a while. now i’m typing more.

i hate being in shitty situations, and i hate seeing people in shitty situations. i’m here to listen when you need me…and i’ll be here for a while. you know who you are.

that aside, if you have a mac, you need to get leopard. charlie and i went to chris’s store last weekend, waited in line, and picked it up. it’s really great. apple did yet another great thing. again, i’ll spare you the details, but if you want to know, ask. i’d be thrilled to talk about it for a good long time.

i feel happy. but my heart hurts. -kbx

November 4th, 2007 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life, Lights, Mac    No Comments »    

so another weekend has passed and i’m as frustrated as ever. if you know me, you already know why. if you don’t know me, don’t freaking worry about it. i don’t like going out by myself but if i want things to move along it looks like i’m going to have to. i’m thankful to those who have already helped me in various ways (you know who you are) but i need more. the way i see it, i need to take more, bigger risks…i just hope those risks don’t cost me too much in the long run. if things work out right, it’ll probably be worth it i guess.

by now most of you know that my vacation was good although hanging with the parental units all week was less than thrilling. i saw emily (brennan’s ex) and we went out for pizza and ice cream which broke up the week and was actually pretty great. the pools and water slides around the hotel were fun, we did some shopping, but other than that it was quite uneventful. the best part was not having to think about work for pretty much the whole week (even though i did…it’s nice not to be under any pressure for a few days).

this entry’s title is from some track in an Erik K mix that matt gave me (thanks matt!). music-wise i’ve been listening to a very large variety of stuff lately because i’ve been working on programming some serious shit into this killer lighting board i have. *big grin* so far it’s turned out pretty sweet. speaking of lighting, you should check out the awesome sally gobo i had made. i got four of them and put them into my trackspots. now there is a little cloud and lightning bolt flying around when i fire that stuff up. as joey put it, it’s “freaking hot,” and i totally agree. i’m pretty sure everyone else that has seen it so far agrees as well. they turned out better than i expected, really. anyway, you get the idea. i’ll post more pics on my flickr site when i get a chance, and if you come to their next show (i think) you’ll be able to see it in real life.

i think people have started to think that i’m becoming a “club kid.” i guess, in a sense, i sort of am. the catch is, i only want to go because i feel like it’s the only real chance i have at meeting someone. sitting around at someone’s house with friends or going to a movie or restaurant is great, but i’m never going to meet anyone new there. i don’t really see clubs as my scene, but there are random people there. people generally annoy me, but i only when i have to interact with them. at a club, i can just watch everyone, and frankly, that’s fun for me. not to mention that i like loud, blasting music and crazy lights. from time to time i’ve thought about opening my own club (god knows i have the lighting equipment to do it) but i don’t really have the time, money, or energy to invest in it. anyway, that’s what’s up with that. i guess, oveall, i’d prefer to meet someone via the internet (myspace, facebook, whatever) but i really doubt that’ll happen since the only people out there that seem to have any interest in me at all are my real-life friends. (one day i got bored and went and friended like fifty people and i could count on one hand those that accepted.) i realize it’s totally stupid to worry about shit like that, but it still bothers me.

anyway, right now, i’m thinking about two things that are really depressing me: one, that i’m going to have to go spend a lot of time at work tomorrow (well, technically today) setting up classrooms and two, well…by now you know what number two is. i look forward to the day when i can come home from work to more than just a pile of metal, plastic, glass, and silicon.

-kbx

October 14th, 2007 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life, Lights    2 Comments »    

so vacationing in arizona has proven to be pretty sweet. i don’t like being away from home, but it’s helped me to clear my mind over the last couple days. don’t ask me about anything right now because i won’t remember and i don’t feel like trying to remember. iPhone has been quite helpful with maps out here, although the data connection (EDGE) seems slower. whatevs. it might sound kind of odd, but i’m kinda looking forward to getting home. i miss everybody already. hanging with the ‘rents is LAME. we’re home every night at about 9:30 and that SUCKS. tomorrow night i’m meeting up with emily (brennan’s ex) and we’re gonna go eat or something, so that should be pretty great. i s’pose that before i know it the week will be over and…yeh. oh well…i’ll see you all when i get home.

so i walk outside this morning and what’s playing? “I will follow you into the dark.” what a great, great song. they have a PA system that plays music around the pools all day long. it’s generally lame relaxing music which kinda sucks so i thought it was kinda unusual to hear that out there. then i figured that, well, it’s a love song, so then it kinda made sense. heh. what have i been doing out here you ask? so far, NOTHING. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA…yeh sitting pool-side, chillin’ in the nice weather, eating good food. ok so now you’re jealous. ok maybe not. whatever. it’s been nice. btw, if you want to get a hold of me while i’m here, that’s cool, but remember we’re two (2) hours behind chicago time. so as i’m typing this here it’s 11:30 but it’s really 1:30 at home. just a lil’ fyi dealie.

ok, so that’s my lil’ update so far. more to come… -kbx

October 1st, 2007 - By kbx81     Filed under : Life    3 Comments »